Dear Emma
by bechloeeverywhere
Summary: Oneshot set after the CaptainSwan proposal episode. When Regina Mills can't control her overflowing feelings for Emma Swan anymore, she decides to let her feelings out on paper. But it was never meant for Emma to find it... Could Emma possibly feel the same? Mentions of CaptainSwan. SwanQueen endgame.


**Hi everyone! I have written SwanQueen fanfic before, but this is the first SQ fanfic I have ever uploaded. I hope you like it and please let me know what you think?**

* * *

 _Storybrooke, Maine_

 _Dear Emma Swan,_

 _You are probably wondering why on earth I'm_ _writing you a letter. It's_ _not something about work that I can tell you over the phone or that I swing by your office to tell you face to face. No, it is definitely not something like that. I am telling you by letter, because then I can tell you and you would still not know. Because you know, you're_ _not_ _supposed to know this._

 _You're not supposed to know that every time I look at you, I only see you. You're not supposed to know that every time I'm in your presence that all I want to be is only being in your presence. You're_ _not supposed to know that every time I see you with that filthy pirate of yours, that I cannot suppress that twinge of jealousy. You're_ _not_ _supposed to know that every time we're together with Henry, I feel like we are a family. The family Henry always wanted and needed. And maybe the family I wanted and needed as well. Because Emma Swan, I do need you._

 _You have Hook, I cannot ask you to leave him. I won't let myself do that, because that would be wrong and selfish. You are happy with him and you deserve that happiness. You deserve all the happiness in the world, Emma Swan. Even if it means that I'm not the person to give you that said happiness._

 _Honestly Emma, I simply do not know if I should smile because you are my friend, or cry because that's all you will ever be. Like I already said, I won't make you leave Hook. I won't force you to change anything. I won't do it, because I know I will never tell you how I truly feel about you, Emma._

 _The reason why I'm not going to tell you anything about this, is because I am scared. I'm afraid I will lose you. And I cannot lose you Emma. Be it as a friend or something else, I simply cannot lose you. It would be too much. I have lost one before, and I won't again. This time my mother isn't around to kill the person I love most, but still, I cannot take such a risk. I would rather be miserable with you in my life, than be miserable without you._

 _I honestly don't know the exact moment when all of this started. One night you appeared there, bringing Henry home to me and me finding out you're his birthmother. I wouldn't say I hated you, but I strongly disliked you. I already had the feeling Henry wasn't comfortable with me and that he knew so much more about the curse than I wanted him to. And then you came along, and I knew Henry loved you. The next thing is this constant fighting between us because we both wanted Henry for himself._

 _I was so confused at that time. I strongly disliked you and still I felt attracted to you. I couldn't identify it. Maybe it was lust. Maybe less, maybe more. I still don't know it to this day._

 _Then you wanted to rescue me from the Wraith, or as you called it, 'the creepy ass Dementor'. I don't know why your urge to save me was so strong. I had been nothing but mean and unkind to you. When you put your hand on my arm and my magic started working, I knew something changed between us. I still couldn't identify it, or maybe I didn't want to identify it, because I was so scared of what I would came to realize._

 _What scared me the most was when you were pulled into the portal. First I said to myself it was because I wouldn't want Henry to lose his birthmother, but now I know better. Deep down I was actually afraid you would be gone forever._

 _And then, we were stranded in Neverland. I was happy we were finally bonding, because I absolutely didn't want to fight with you. It would make Henry unhappy. But unfortunately, as we grew closer together, you and Hook did too. I tried to hide the jealousy by anger, but I couldn't keep that facade for long. For some reason, you always looked right through me. You somehow knew when I was lying, and how I sometimes I appreciated that, I sometimes didn't appreciate it at all. Because it would mean that you would know. And with you knowing, leads to losing you._

 _So I didn't interfere between you and Hook (and like I said: you deserve your happy ending, even if it is with Hook. So be it). The stronger your bond became with Hook, the more I accepted the fact that you and I are not going to happen. I kept quiet and pretended nothing was going on._

 _Pan's curse cleared everything up for me, I think. As you still know, my price was I had to say goodbye to the thing I love most. It is true that the thing I love most is Henry. Without a doubt. But why did my gut feeling keep on telling me it wasn't the whole thing? Why did I had the feeling that saying goodbye to Henry only, was not the price?_

 _Because, Miss Swan, a happy ending isn't always what we think it will be. Sometimes you are trying so hard to find the right person, not realizing they were already standing next to you, fighting the many battles together, or behind you, watching your back and protecting you. Or even in front of you, sacrificing themselves for you so you wouldn't fall back into the darkness. It turns out, Emma, that you're my happy ending. But it isn't like what I thought it would be, because you have already found yours._

 _And I am happy for you, and I will always keep on supporting you. That's what friends do._

 _Yours sincerely,_

 _Regina Mills_

 **x x x**

Regina sighs deep as she puts her pen down. Shaking her head, she rubs her temples to relieve the pressure in her head. She can't believe she actually did this. She actually confessed her feelings for Emma. She told Emma how she feels about her. Well, it was more in an indirect way, but Regina thinks it still counted. It definitely relieved her, she feels like a hundred pounds lighter than before.

Regina struggled with her feelings for Emma for a long time, but after Hook, the handless wonder, came around it almost got to the point of unbearable. But after time the anger subsided and Regina began to accept this is the way that things worked out.

Until now.

Until today, the feelings she had so safely locked up in the prison of her heart, came crashing right back. It made her freak out so much, she didn't know what to do. She couldn't bear to watch Emma's face any longer, while even her mastered fake smile began to fall. So she hugged Emma.

Regina had never hugged Emma in her entire life.

She didn't know why she did it this time though. There were plenty, lots even, other appropriate moments where she could have hugged Emma, but she chose this one. Regina needed a way to hide her face while still showing Emma she cared and supported her. So she went for the hug.

Emma gladly accepted the hug, but something seemed...off.

Not knowing what it is, Regina ignored it and excused herself. She really needed to get away there. Yes, Hook has been in the picture for a long time, but the proposal just confirmed it more. The proposal made everything _real._

Something shifted in Regina, deep, deep down. She was bending for a very long time and now she couldn't take the pressure anymore and _broke_.

Once she was out of the room, she transported herself to the place where she had the most privacy; her vault.

She needed time to process and to think.

And maybe hit something. Like, _really_ hard.

Regina sighs again as she goes over the events of today in her head. The thinking had definitely helped confirming her feelings for Emma and put it all in a reasonable place. The hitting hadn't helped at all. It wasn't enough to let all the pent up frustration and anger out. She felt powerless.

Regina needed to put it into exact words, not into some vague, 'smashing objects against the wall' action. Although it did feel good for a short lived moment, she needed clarity, and the previous actions were absolutely not going to help her.

So she magicked a chair and a table, provided with a pen and paper.

Regina began to write.

After a few attempts and some time later, her feelings were neatly written down on the paper. The black words stood out to the bright white of the paper, blending together as almost one, creating something very powerful. Regina read the letter over and over again, until the contrast between the black and the white started to blur together.

She felt surprisingly calm after she finished the letter. Maybe it is because in a way she still got to tell Emma, without _actually_ telling her. Knowing that put Regina on ease.

She grabbed a small box, folded the letter two times and placed it carefully in the box, before enchanting the box with a protection spell. She put the box neatly away and removed any evidence there was left, such as the stuff she magicked to here in the first place.

Regina sighed again as she looked around her vault. Until now she realizes that she had no idea how much time she spent in here. Regina searches her pockets for her phone and checks the time.

 _Fourteen missed calls from Emma._ Regina clicks 'ignore' and checks the time.

Crap, that late already? Or early is actually the better word for it, as she almost spent all night in her vault. With a flick of her wrist, Regina transports herself back into her bedroom, where she immediately curls herself, still in her working clothes, underneath the covers. Here she can leave the real world behind and crawl into her own little world what her mind creates. The world where she and Emma at least could have had a chance.

' _I guess mother was right after all. Love is weakness.'_

 **x x x**

"Emma? What the hell are you doing here?" The door of her vault wasn't locked like it was when she left, and that was the first alarm bell that went off. The second, and major alarm bell was that the Emma Swan, alive and well – thank god – was in her vault. The less fortunate thing was that Emma had her hands on paper. The very same paper she wrote her letter on the previous day.

"How did you get in here?" Regina asks warily while stepping forward.

"I used to be a thief, you remember? I'm quite good at picking locks." Emma stays in the same place, not intimidated by Regina.

"I was talking about the protection spell?" Regina says it like she is not fully sure of herself. She was afraid she forgot to cast one, but she know almost sure she certainly did cast a protection spell.

Emma shrugs it off. "I used magic."

"And how did you find that? And please don't tell me you read that." Regina says, pointing to the letter in Emma's hand.

"Actually yes, I did read it." Emma responds in an awkward manner, completely ignoring the first question.

"How?" Regina asks again, this time a little more stern and intimidating. " I protected it with a protection spell as well."

"It kind of…broke? Like the protection spell on your vault." Emma makes it sound like it is a question, even though she knows what Regina is talking about. "Or maybe it wasn't strong enough?"

"There is nothing wrong with my magic Miss Swan, you should know by now. You have been snooping through my belongings and I do not like that." She spat.

"Okay, yes! I have been snooping around. I was only trying to find you since you sort of disappeared! I used my magic alright? Look, are we seriously going to ignore the elephant in the room? What's this?" Emma asks, holding the letter up and giving it a little shake to draw more attention to it.

"It's a piece of paper, Miss Swan." Regina makes her 'I-am-not-impressed-by-you' face.

"Cut the 'Miss Swan' attitude Regina, I know better." This time Emma takes a step forward, but Regina would bolt either.

"Then why would you want to know something you already know?" Regina raises her eyebrow.

"Because I want to talk with you about it." Emma sounds stern, but Regina tries anyway.

"There is nothing to talk about." She dismissed. "Now if you would be so kind, I have stuff to do." Regina motions for Emma to leave, but Emma takes another step forward.

"Your letter says different." The way Emma says it, leaves Regina flustered. It is not harsh or stern by any means, but soft and almost in a whisper, with a hint of a challenge in it.

"I really think you should go." Regina gazes deep into Emma's eyes to get the message across.

"But Re-"

"Goodbye Emma." And with a flick of Regina's wrist Emma was cut off and transported outside the vault.

Within seconds after the dark purple cloud disappeared, a different color cloud appeared, and Emma Swan was back in Regina's vault. Facing the mirror and seeing Emma transport herself back into the vault, Regina rolls her eyes and turns around.

"What do I have to do to get you to leave me alone, Swan?" It almost comes out as a whine, but Regina tries to keep herself collected this time.

"I was just looking for you to be my friend."

Regina gulps. "What do you mean? Emma, we are already friends!"

"Hear me out please?" Regina nodded and Emma cautiously continued. "I _was_ looking for you to be my friend. I thought it was what I needed. Turns out it was not."

Regina cannot help to let the hurt visibly wash over her face. Is Emma seriously rejecting her right now? This was exactly of what she is so afraid of! Now she will lose Emma for good, probably Henry too. No, she can't do this.

"Regina?" Regina looks up as she jumps out of her thoughts and almost physically jumps when she sees Emma's eyes boring into her from a very short distance. Since when was Emma standing so close?

"Did you hear anything of what I was saying?" Emma says softly again and Regina looks away and shakes her head, unable to answer. Emma brings her fingers up to her chin and guides Regina's eyes back to hers.

"I said I wasn't looking for a friend in you. I was looking for more." Regina's eyes widen at Emma's words.

"You … you feel _the same_?" The only other time in her life where Regina has ever asked a question this way is when for the first time Emma showed up to her door.

Emma nods. "Yes." She whispers. She brings her head even closer to Regina's, even closer than the time they almost kissed when their son was stuck in the mines.

"May I kiss you?" Emma asks a beat after.

And Regina whispers;

"No."

 **x x x**

"Hey love." Killian greets as he comes walking in, shutting the front door behind him. He finds Emma sitting in a chair behind the kitchen table, her hands folded in front of her on top of the table.

Emma jumps a little, like she was startled by him. "Hey." She responds, all the while eyeing him as he makes his way to her. Killian leans down to kiss Emma on the lips, but she avoids him with her head, so the kiss lands on her cheek.

"What is wrong, love?" Killian asks with confusion laced in his voice. Everything was fine a few hours ago. What made Emma change like this?

Like a dam has been broken, Emma begins to ramble. "I can't reach Regina. She has been gone for quite a while now and it is the next day and I still haven't heard from her. She is not at her house and she won't pick up her phone, but I still haven't checked her vault, maybe she is there and-"

"Emma, stop! You are rambling. Now what is the problem? And slow this time please." Killian pulls up a chair so he can sit next to Emma.

Emma nods and sighs, preparing herself for telling the story again. "Regina is gone and I can't find her. I'm worried."

"I understand that. But how do you know so sure?" Killian tries to put his hands on top of Emma's but she pulls away.

"I have this…feeling. I can't shake it off. I want to find out. I want to find her." Emma is already standing up but Hook stops her.

"Emma, wait. Don't go after her. You don't know what is going on." Hook tries to reason while blocking Emma's path by putting his hand on Emma's elbow.

"Does it matter?" Emma challenges.

Hook stays silent. He only looks at Emma, searching her eyes. He slowly drops the hand that lays on Emma's elbow.

"Would you sit down, love?" Killian drops his eyes, but reaches out his hand to the chair to make his question clear.

Emma shakes her head. "No. I'm going to find Regina." This time she succeeds in pushing

"Emma, would you _please_ sit down?" Killian says it with such urgency – it almost sounds pleading- , so Emma turns around in an instant. This time Emma nods and sits back down in the chair.

"It has always been her…hasn't it?"

"Killian, what is that supposed to mean?" Emma feels herself going in to defensive mode with the way she snapped at Killian.

"You _always_ put Regina first. Even before yourself. Doesn't that mean anything to you?" Hook stays surprisingly calm as he talks to Emma.

"No, Killian, that is not true, I-I went to the underworld for you." Emma does not know why she even tries to talk herself out of this.

"But you didn't want to go without Regina." Hook points out.

Emma let her eyes fall and stays silent as she thinks. Hook did have a point. And Emma knows she has been denying herself a long time.

"Emma, you can tell yourself all you want, but it has always been Regina, hasn't it?"

Emma brings her eyes up again as they fill with tears and she chokes back a sob "Yes. Yes, it has always been her."

"Then go find her, Emma." Emma is caught off guard by Hooks answer. It is definitely not what she expected of him to say. But she is glad he did.

"Thank you Killian." She gives Hook a quick but firm hug. "And I am so sorry." Emma cries as she pulls the engagement ring off her finger and gives it back to Hook.

Killian accepts the ring with tears in his eyes. "Don't be."

 **x x x**

"No?" Emma asks thrown off, stepping back a little.

"I don't want you to cheat on Hook. It would ruin everything for you two."

"Oh Gina, you don't have to worry about that anymore. I broke up with him, kind of. He knows about my feelings for you."

Regina smashed their lips together the very moment Emma finished her sentence. The kiss was hungry, but filled with passion and love.

Once the lack of oxygen became a problem they pulled away and rested their foreheads together. Emma strokes her hand through Regina's dark locks as Regina throws her arms around Emma's form.

"Your letter was beautiful, Regina." Emma whispers as she still strokes Regina's hair.

"It was certainly not meant for you to find it, but honestly, I'm glad you did." Regina smiles as she looks up to Emma.

"I have also some confessions to make." Emma explains as she pulls away from the hug, but she holds her arm around Regina's waist. Now that she has her, she doesn't want to let go. She needs her close by her side at all times.

"First being, the first time we met, I couldn't take my eyes of you. I was actually very disappointed when you sent me out of the house."

Regina chuckles slightly. "I was evil back then, dear. But I'm sorry you felt that." She ends in a whisper, her eyes wandering away from Emma's.

Emma smiles. "It is alright. Okay, second is, I actually really enjoyed the war what was going on between us. You challenge me and I like that."

Regina smiles in response and brings her eyes up to look Emma in the eye again. Emma continues with a smile on her face as well. "Third is, I am so deeply in love with you, Regina Mills."

Regina pecks Emma on her lips, but as she pulls back, she realizes something.

"What about Hook? Did you truly love him?" Regina is not sure if she should have asked this question, but on the other hand, she is dying to know.

"I did love him. I don't know if I _truly_ loved him, but yes, I did love him. He came along and he showed interest. I had been in denial for so long about my feelings for you and I thought I was finally getting over you, so when he came along, I took the chance." Emma looks unsure at Regina, not knowing if she should continue or not.

"Do continue." Regina says with a smile. "I'll listen." To give Emma some support, she squeezes Emma's hand that is not around her waist.

"Hook was the easy way, I guess. He was there and he wouldn't leave. After a long time, I went for it, because by then I had convinced myself I should let you go. I didn't know why I was in such denial about you. I guess I was so afraid of how strong my feelings for you are. I am afraid of losing you and Henry…"

Regina squeezes Emma's hand again. "I understand that Emma. I feel the same."

"Like I said, I _did_ love Hook. But there was always the feeling there was someone that I love more. You." She gazes deep into Regina's eyes and pulls her even closer if it was possible.

"I love you too, Emma Swan." Regina brings both hands up to rest on Emma's shoulders. Even with her high heels on, Regina is still somewhat shorter then Emma. Emma smiles at the cute sight of Regina standing on her tippy toes to get closer to her. As they leant in and their lips touched, a bright light erupted from them, spreading through the entire vault and continuing its way through whole Storybrooke.

"Seems like you finally found your happy ending, Madam Mayor." Emma shoves Regina playfully when they break apart.

"Even if it didn't go the way I thought it would go, I was right about one thing." Regina says while biting her lip.

"And what would that be?"

"I was right about you being my happy ending."


End file.
